Name: Bruce Frederick Joseph SpringsteenBorn: September 23, 1949, Long Branch, New Jersey
Nickname: The Boss
Crimes Against Humanity: "Dancing in the Dark" video featuring Courtney Cox, "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," "Tunnel of Love," The Seeger Sessions
“The Boss.” If he were my boss, I’d quit. What is the criteria for being “The Boss?” Apparently, dabbling in pedophilia is one (“Hey little girl / Is your daddy home? / Did he go away and leave you all alone? / I got a bad desire.”) Somebody call Chris Hansen. Also, a penchant for writing truly vapid lyrics seems to be a requirement. Shakespeare wrote, “Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? / Thou art more lovely and more temperate; / Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, / And summer's lease hath all too short a date.” Bruce wrote, “Tie your hair back in a long white bow / Meet me in the fields out behind the dynamo.” I will try this line out the next time I’m in a nail salon in Bayonne. Bruce is the first inductee into the Rock Douchebag Hall of Fame for one reason: he epitomizes classic rock. He is the sweaty uncle at your sweet sixteen party playing air guitar and strutting around in his ass-tight Levi’s, totally cocksure, full of bad desires. As far as rock musicians go, he’s got it all: an exaggerated sense of self-importance, an earring, a headband, tight jeans, a band that's just as douchy as he is (Big Man, I'm looking at you), and the ability to make pure bullshit sound really, really deep. To wit: “Everything dies, baby that’s a fact / But maybe everything that dies someday comes back.” It’s a lyric any semi-retarded fifth-grader could have written. He is the prototype for so many douches who followed, from John (Johnny) (Cougar) Mellencamp to Tom Cochrane to Bryan Adams, and for this fact alone, he has a special place in the Rock Douchebag Hall of Fame. Congrats, Boss.
Check him out at the 2009 Super Bowl Halftime Show ("Put down the chicken fingers, step away from the guacamole."):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYWcwsczcm8
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